There are some dastardly plans, so well thought out, so well executed, they leave you shaking your head in disbelief wondering if the Devil himself wasn’t behind them. Then you have those plans that seem like they’ve been written on a napkin at a bar while in a drunken stupor, by this guy:
Here are four sinister plots that will convince you that there is an organization out there, somewhere, run by Dr. Evil:
1. The Do-It-Yourself Remote Controlled Death Drone.
The Diabolical Plot:
OK let’s see… Remote controlled model aircraft… Check. C4 explosives… Check. Assault rifles and grenades… Check. Squad of undercover FBI agents… Che… Huh????
Rezwan Ferdaus, a U.S. citizen and Northeastern University graduate from Massachusetts woke up one day and decided that he had enough of this stinkin’ country with all its filthy freedom and stuff so he decided to put an end to it all — by blowing up the Pentagon and the US Capitol building and following up with a coup-de-grace deadly ground assault on any survivors. Apparently Mr. Ferdaus had played too many sessions of Modern Warfare and assumed he and a small band of insurgents could overcome all odds and deal a death-blow to American democracy. He would soon discover that would not be the case.
Ferdaus began his life as a dangerous terror operative by using his know-how to modify cell phones that would be used as triggering devices for the infamous improvised explosive device or IED. Somewhere along the line, apparently unhappy with his dead-end job making remotes, Ferdaus decided he needed more excitement in his life so he applied for a promotion. He then threw his phones down on his workbench and donned his murder boots.
After going to Washington, DC to scope out his targets, he went on to score the C4 explosive that would be placed inside
three large remote-controlled planes and, voilà! Instant homemade Predator drone which would be used to fly into his targets with explosive accuracy. He was also to receive six AK-47 assault rifles along with grenades to arm his six man death squad who presumably would have been Rambo, The Terminator, Predator, Alien, Martin Riggs, and John McClane. With everything set to go, things were just about to get real terroristy!
The Hilarious Failure:
With his goal in sight and martyrdom on his mind, Ferdaus began to wreak havoc and destruction on the helpless citizens of DC and went down in a hail of gunfire just like he planned. Uhh… no… that’s not what happened. Now there were so many reasons this plan was destined to fail, from the thousands of tons of concrete building vs. flimsy remote-controlled plane thing, (Read: this guy had a degree in physics), to the six-man assault team vs. the entire Washington, DC security machine, however, here is only one… The whole thing was fake! The Al Qaida operatives, the explosives, the grenades, the guns, everything! It was an elaborate sting set up by none other than the FBI. Ferdaus was promptly arrested and placed in a waiting squad car, while presumably wearing a large white pointed cap. Oh, and do you remember those IED detonators? He had handed them all over to the authorities too! Ferdaus is now serving a 17 year sentence in prison on multiple charges.
2. The Little Bomber That Could… NOT!
The Diabolical Plot:
Sami Samir Hassoun was a 22-year-old Lebanese citizen who lived in Chicago. Like a lot of young people his age he had a bit of a rebellious streak. You know, the normal kind that makes them rebel against “the establishment”, want to “stick it to the man,” maybe blow some good pot, assassinate the mayor of Chicago, blow up skyscrapers and baseball fields filled with thousands of fans… Wait!… What??? That’s right! Young Hassoun was very disillusioned with “the establishment” and he really planned to “stick it to the man” — by cramming a bomb up the collective asses of unsuspecting Chicagoans at Wrigley Field.
According to reports, Hassoun initially only wanted to scare the hell out of everyone in Chicago with some non lethal means
but later however, in straight Dr. Evil fashion, his plans became more elaborate… So elaborate that they would have made Rube Goldberg envious.
After toying with ideas of car bombs and bio-weapons, he decided against those. So presumably not wanting to scratch the paint on his new ride and realizing his fridge was fresh out of Ebola virus, Hassoun opted for the simple route; the old put-a-
bomb-in-the-trash-bin-and-casually-stroll-away-like-they-do-in-the-movies route. With that, Hassoun grabbed his bomb-laden backpack and headed to Sluggers World Class Sports Bar, a popular spot near Wrigley Field where he placed the backpack in a trash bin. The Dave Matthews Band was playing at Wrigley Field that weekend so there would be lots of people to blow away. Hassoun strolled off to some safe distance and waited for the fireworks… and waited… and waited.
The Hilarious Failure:
Hassoun had told a friend of his who… wait for it… turned out to be a FBI informant who in turn introduced him to — you guessed it — undercover FBI agents who supplied Hassoun with fake explosives. Yep! All poor Sami had done was take out some FBI agent’s garbage. Supposedly, while sitting at home disappointed that his bomb didn’t erupt in a blastastic orgy of destruction, Hassoun was taken into custody and charged with attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction, attempted use of an explosive device and one count of being stupid. He is now doing a 23-year stint at the Federal Hilton and all because he wanted change he could believe in. Maybe he would have been better off staying home and watching reruns of Barack Obama’s campaign speeches.
3. Excuse Me Sir… Either Your Foot Is Taking A Smoke Break Or Your Shoe Is On Fire.
The Diabolical Plot:
No would-be terrorist list would be complete without the infamous Richard Reid. The Shoe Bomber. The man whose IQ was only dwarfed by his shoe size. In an exclusive, Verbum et Veritas has obtained a copy of the original order given to Reid to carry out his plan:
Here is the account of what occurred according to a Wikipedia article:
“Reid attempted to board a flight from Paris, France to Miami, Florida, but his boarding was delayed because his disheveled physical appearance aroused the suspicions of the airline passenger screeners. Reid also did not answer all of their questions, and had not checked any luggage for the transatlantic flight. Additional screening by the French National Police resulted in Reid’s being re-issued a ticket for a flight on the following day.He returned to the Paris airport on December 22, 2001, and he boarded American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris to Miami, wearing his special shoes packed with plastic explosives in their hollowed-out bottoms.”
You have to give this guy credit for his persistence. He was really trying to go out in a blaze of glory but then came…
The Hilarious Failure:
Oh yes! The Stars, Fate, Karma, and Luck, along with some of the flight’s passengers got together and took turns kicking Richard Reid squarely in the balls. The article goes on to say (Emphasis added):
“On December 22, 2001, passengers on Flight 63 from Paris, France to Miami, Florida complained of a smoke smell in the cabin shortly after a meal service. One flight attendant, Hermis Moutardier, thinking she smelled a burnt match, walked the aisles of the plane, trying to assess the source. A passenger pointed to Reid, who was sitting alone near a window and attempting to light a match. Moutardier warned him that smoking was not allowed on the airplane. Reid then promised to stop.
A few minutes later, Moutardier found Reid leaned over in his seat. Her attempts to get his attention failed. After asking “What are you doing?” Reid grabbed at her, revealing one shoe in his lap, a fuse which led into the shoe, and a lit match. She tried grabbing Reid twice, but he pushed her to the floor each time, and she yelled for help, and then ran to get water. When another flight attendant, Cristina Jones, arrived to try to subdue him, he fought her and bit her thumb and Moutardier threw water in his face. The 6 foot 4 inch (193 cm) tall, 200+ pound (90+ kg) Reid was next subdued by several passengers on the airliner, and then bound up using plastic handcuffs, seatbelt extensions, and headphone cords. A physician on board the airliner administered to Reid a tranquilizer that he found in the emergency medical kit of the airliner. This flight was diverted to the Logan International Airport in Boston, Massachusetts, the closest US airport.
The explosive apparently did not detonate due to the one-day delay in the take-off of Reid’s flight. He had worn his shoes for more than one day, and the rainy weather, perhaps along with Reid’s accumulated foot perspiration, caused the fuse to be too damp to ignite.”
Reid had enough explosives in his shoes to possibly bring the plane down but what he wasn’t given was waterproof shoes, some Odor Eaters, a reliable detonator to set off his high-tech explosives, and a set of brains. He had at least two opportunities to abort his harebrained scheme but he chose to spit in the Eye of Providence and go ahead anyway. So instead of taking those innocent people with him in a fiery crash, Reid ended up with a king-sized can of whoopass poured on him then tranquilized and restrained. Undone by bad weather, stinky feet, and we’d like to think, a cute little flight attendant with a mean left hook.
At his trial Reid claimed that he was a soldier of God. This was Judge William Young’s reply, “You are not an enemy combatant, you are a terrorist” … “You are not a soldier in any army, you are a terrorist. To call you a soldier gives you far too much stature. (points to U.S. flag) You see that flag, Mr. Reid? That is the flag of the United States of America. That flag will be here long after you are forgotten.” Reid is now cooling his heels (pun intended) serving life imprisonment without parole at ADMAX federal facility in Florence, CO. As of this writing, the flag is still here and Reid is pretty much forgotten. Good luck with that don’t drop the soap thing Rich!
4. Put The Lighter Down And Step Away From The Underwear.
There is never a shortage of stupid things for people to do. From simple stupid to “Wile E. Coyote” stupid but there are those who would do what even he wouldn’t. An example of this follows below.
The Diabolical Plot:
Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was a man on a mission. A mission to shake the system all the way to its corrupt foundations. To expose its seedy underbelly and do a few more cliché terms as well. So how was he planning to do this? Suitcase nuke? Nope… Dirty bomb? Nope… Poison the water supply? Nope… Get elected to Congress? Uh Unh… Abdulmutallab was going to blow a plane to smithereens… OK, now you’ve heard something like this before and you already know how it ends right? Well this is not about simply how it ends but how it ended.
Abdulmutallab boarded Nothwest Flight 253 to Detroit. During the flight, he went into the restroom where he remained for about 20 minutes, according to witnesses. Now maybe he had a bad case of the runs or a bout with irregularity so that wasn’t too unusual. After exiting the restroom, he returned to his seat where he covered himself with a blanket. Still no cause for alarm. At this point passengers began to hear popping noises and smelled a foul odor. They then noticed his pant leg and the wall of the plane on fire. Now either the passengers had just witnessed the weirdest, most disturbing and disgusting display of auto-erotic self stimulation take place under that blanket or something else was amiss here.
Behold! The face of an evil mastermind.
The Hilarious Failure:
What ensued is probably best explained by this excerpt from Wikipedia (Emphasis added); “Fellow passenger Jasper Shuringa, a Dutch film director, jumped on Abdulmutallab and subdued him as flight attendants used fire extinguishers to douse the flames.Abdulmutallab was taken toward the front of the airplane cabin, was seen to have lost his trousers due to the fire, and had burns on his legs.When asked by a flight attendant what he had in his pocket, he replied: “Explosive device.” The device consisted of a six-inch (15-cm) packet which was sewn into his underwear.” Now just take a moment to imagine that picture and let that part sink in… … … … … OK! Let’s move forward now. “Abdulmutallab was taken to a hospital where was treated for first and second degree burns to his hands, and second degree burns to his right inner thigh and genitalia, sustained during the attempted bombing.” Not only did this guy get a beatdown for his troubles, he also treated the other passengers to the weirdest in-flight entertainment ever… A flaming striptease and an impromptu wiener roast.
Not to be outdone by his comrade Richard Reid, Abdulmutallab decided to use his college-honed intellect to represent himself at trial. After much wrangling and crafty legal maneuvering, Abdulmutallab finally struck a plea deal with prosecutors — life in prison with no parole… The maximum sentence he would have received had he gone to trial and been convicted anyway.
Hope you got a good laugh or two from this little tidbit of humor. If you enjoyed it or even hated it, leave a comment and let me know. Feel free to share this with friends. Thanks for stopping by.