An exclusive interview with Russian president Vladimir V. Putin (Satire)

TRANSCRIPT:
Hello, I’m TJ Larson and welcome. Today we have with us President Vladimir 690630-11817762-a338-11e3-8dfc-d9063670fb71Putin of Russia. President Putin, hello and welcome.

Putin: Hello Mr. Larson. It is my pleasure to be here today.

TJ: Thank you for joining us. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Putin: Well… there is not much to tell. I was born in Leningrad, which we now call St. Petersburg. We did not have much when I was growing up but we managed. Later I went to college then joined the KGB, went into politics and here I am today.

TJ: I see sir, that you’re a bit modest for a man of your position because your resume´ is quite impressive.

Putin: I am only a humble servant of the people.

TJ: Yes. I see. So tell us about your country’s invasion of Crimea.

Putin: Invasion? What invasion? I’m not quite sure what you are talking about.

TJ: So you didn’t order an invasion of Crimea?

Putin: Of course not! We recognize and respect the sovereignty of nations. Their president asked us to help restore order.

TJ: What about the decision by the Crimean parliament to join Russia?

Putin: If an independent nation wants to become part of the Federation, we will consider it. After considering Crimea’s request, we decided to allow them to join us.

TJ: Just like that? What did you think Kiev was going to say?

Putin: We do not recognize those thugs and their illegal government.

TJ: But the US apparently does.

Putin: That is very… unfortunate for your leaders.

TJ: Seriously Mr. President, do you really think people believe you had nothing to do with the invasion?

Putin: I didn’t say that.

TJ: So you’re admitting you engineered the plot?

Putin: What plot?

TJ: You just said you didn’t say you had nothing to do with the invasion.

Putin: There was no invasion and I didn’t say what?

TJ: You said that you didn’t say that you weren’t involved.

Putin: Involved in what? I don’t follow you. And I didn’t say what you said I didn’t say.

TJ: So what did you say?

Putin: I didn’t say anything.

TJ: Nevermind… So would you like to comment on your troop buildup in Syria?

Putin: What do you mean?

TJ: I mean all of the equipment and manpower you’ve sent to Syria to help President Bashar al-Assad ?

Putin: Ahh, Mr. Larson, you overstate our presence in Syria. We have merely sent a small contingent of advisers to the country.

TJ: “Advisers” Mr. Putin? Well how do you explain the huge amount of equipment, including the advanced SA-22 anti-aircraft systems? Planning on shooting down some coalition warplanes, Mr. President?

Putin: Once again, you are mistaken. Those are just our regular shipments of equipment. Besides, Bashar is an ally and it is no secret that I support him and his government.

TJ: What about the sanctions and the US-led effort to isolate Russia?

Putin: Ha! We are Russia and we take care of ourselves. Your president’s stupid sanctions mean nothing to me!

TJ: Some say you’re just another dictator who happens to have a nuclear arsenal and a large military force.

Putin: Dictator? Who dares call me a… Why I’ll… Oh, Uh excuse me, I just got a little emotional.

TJ: It’s okay.

Putin: Thanks. People just don’t understand me. You see, growing up, other children picked on me because I was really… kinda… you know?

TJ: Kind of what?

Putin: Short…

TJ: I see. So you were bullied as a child. I’m sorry to hear that Mr. President.

Putin: Please Mr. Larson call me Vlad… All my friends call me Vlad… uh well, if I had any friends. Will you be my friend Mr. Larson?

TJ: Sure Mr. Pres… I mean Vlad. I certainly empathize with what you’ve been through. Go on Vlad, let it out.

Putin: Thanks TJ. Can I call you TJ, since we’re BFFs now? What do your friends call you?

TJ: Mr. Larson

Putin: Oh…

TJ: So you were saying, Vlad?

Putin: Oh yes. Kids picked on me but I promised myself one day I would grow up and have my rev… I meant that I would grow up, review my life critically and become a better man.

TJ: So what happened those kids who picked on you?

Putin: Let us say that… they have been… “rehabilitated.”

TJ: Umm, okay… So what do you think about President Obama?

Putin (Rolling eyes): I think he is a soft, little girly-man.

TJ: ???

Putin: I believe you in America call it “sissy.”

TJ: Now Vlad, that wasn’t very nice.

Putin: Annndddd??? (Two large men approach with hands inside their jackets)

TJ: And… uh … um … I understand you are an expert in martial arts.

Putin: Yes and I practice every day. What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on that weak president of yours.

Door swings open, Obama walks in takes off jacket, removes tie, starts rolling up sleeves.

TJ: Mr. President what a pleasant surp…

Obama: So I understand you want a piece of me huh, Putin?

Putin: Bring it on, you little poonk.

Obama: That’s “punk.” Get your insults straight you worthless @!#$%^& ….

TJ: Gentleman! This is no way for two men of your…

Obama and Putin in unison: SHUT UP!

Putin catches Obama on the right shoulder with a judo chop. Obama parries with a right cross followed by a pimp slap. Putin crumbles to the floor and begins sobbing.

Obama: And you better have your troops out of Syria by tomorrow… Oh, and by the way…

Obama cuts loose with a gut punch.

Obama: THAT’S FOR CALLING ME A “GIRLY-MAN!”

Putin: Enough! Okay I give, you win just don’t hit me anymore… Please!

TJ: That’s all the time we have today. Be sure to join us tomorrow when Joe Biden squares off against North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un. Until then, I’m TJ Larson. See you next time.
TJ ducks out of the room as a chair breaks against the door.

Disclaimer:

The preceding is only intended for satirical purposes.

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